Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Me & Mom

Tonight I will talk about me and my mother. Our relationship is somehow different from what is called as "regular". Since we left dad and come to thatha's house, our bond gets stronger by the years passed. She was and still is persistent not to remarry and I don't have any uncle from mom's side as all the children of thatha are girls and that means that all of them have their own lives without having the ability to take care of my mom in case I got married or live in a far away place. I had thought about this when I was around 13 or 14 years old and I decided that I don't want to get married. I thought that I want to serve my life for the people around me. Some people found that a joke, some people said that I won't have money by doing such charity work, some said that I would change my mind once I met the right person. Well I did change my opinion. The reason is not because I found that a joke nor because I was afraid I won't have money... but coz I met a man who changed that. But unfortunately, it wasn't for long (I shall come to that part later).

For some people, mother will be just someone who nag around, a woman who demands this and that from the children, a person who will demand the child to be the first and beat them up or shout at them if the child is not the first in school or any other thing. Well, my mom is different.

She's a lion-hearted person who has the exterior of a woman in the late 60s and 70s, who focuses on the clean house, orderly furniture, timely food and rest, gentleness, patience, shrewd, humbleness, but with a lot of faith in God, in herself, in me.. She's a 100% woman, a 100% mother.

She has taken care of me in a different way. She won't shout at me if I make mistake, because most of the time she already said things that I shouldn't do and if I still do it, all she would say is "See dear, this is what I was afraid to happen, that's why I said don't do it. But now you have done it, it's ok... now Fix it" and in some cases, the situation is too bad that I can't fix it alone. In such situation, she will say "Get up. Let's do it together."... She's my strength. I am a short tempered person. I take quick step. She's the one who always slow  my rhythm and makes me think before I take an action. But she also knows that once I am committed to something, I will be like a drunken bull who will cross all the boundaries and chase what I want to and I will not give up until I get it or until I know it's no longer worth it to chase it.

I never know what a father would look like in my life, his roles, his influence... nothing. All my life was shaped by thatha and mom. Other people are also there, my aunts, my aunts' husbands, my grandma, but it's funny that my ideology and belief are shaped only around these 2 people.

Since thatha passed away, I have become the man of the house for mom. I am the one who takes the final decision, but sometimes I feel that I am just dummy, coz she will be the one who show me the horizon, weigh all the options for me and let me take the decision. She always show me only the ways, but which way to go, it will be my choice. She has strong faith that I will never lead us to the wrong way. When you have someone beside you with such faith, you will also not take any wrong path that goes against your heart.

It's like a saying "A bird knows its nest, so let it fly high and low, fast and slow coz when the time comes, it will know its home and it will be home safely". In my mom's case it's true. She let me be the bird. She is never scared that I will go astray and let her down.

Approximately 2 weeks ago, mom's right hand was burnt in the hot water, it was not a big wound, but the skin was a bit peeled off and due to that, she can't wash clothes, she can't take bath on her own. She keep shouting "This small wound is making me sit all day without being able to do anything". I had to wash the clothes, was dishes, and bathe her in the evening after office, feed her during lunch and dinner. The one who put the medicine wasn't me, though. One of the new family member did that, let's call him Mr. N. He's the one who handle the wound when I was in the office. I am thankful to have them around her when I wasn't around.
Suddenly a few days ago, she said "You are an adult now hm? You took all responsibility. You are no longer that helpless little girl now." Thank God I didn't fall off the chair. I am almost 6 feet tall, stubborn, and fight like a bull and just today she realize that I am no longer a little girl. I am happy to take that responsibility to give back to her the responsibility she has taken to raise me until I become what I am today.

My life may not be as normal as other girls that I often see around me. Sometimes I want to be normal like them, have a dad & mom who always nag about silly things, have a brother to take some huge chunk of responsibility... but I am not that normal girl. I am the extraordinary girl. I am forged to be a man on the outside and still have that spoiled little girl who wants attention in the inside. I don't know it is just my feeling or not, but here, I feel that everyone is treating me like a little girl. They see through me hard exterior and find that I am also a woman and inside this woman, I am also just a little girl who likes to be pampered once a while.

I am blessed to be this way. It's a bittersweet journey that I have to take wherever this life I make is taking me. I will see you tomorrow on "Why I am Writing Again". Good night and Golden dreams folks. May the blessing be with you!

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