We just finished a huge proposal and I have some spare time after lunch so I thought of writing. Before that, let me share you a photo taken a couple of days ago during the sunset from the balcony of my home.
Being in Afghanistan, you value your life more than anything because you will never know what will happen the next minute.
A couple of weeks ago, there were some bombings and gun fire that lasted for almost 8 hours just around 2 km from the place I live and I could be one of the people who stuck in that area when the bombings or gunfire happened and I would have gone without trace. Of course I had thought about that before I came here but when I came to think of it, the only thing I have if such thing has to happen would be my words and memories ... so here I am, pouring my words, experience, and thoughts on this blog.
Sometimes people wonder why I want to be here. It's quite complicated actually but if I could say it in simple way. In my life, I always wonder how my life would be if I have a man figure other than thatha... because I don't have brothers nor father. I felt that sometimes it would be very warm and nice to have an active man in the family who can be responsible for some heavy things, but some incident happened that I finally decided to make myself so strong that a common man would lay his cards and leave.
The moment I made my mind for that, two men came in my life, a friend and his father. They, with trust and love said that they want me to be a part of their life and want me and mom to be with them... Yes, I work for them and at the same time I am also a part of the family as they always say. How long I would be here?? Only God knows.
It's not easy to find people with sensitive heart, but I find them here... People who care about my mom. It's like finding a place where even without my existence, mom would be taken care even better than I could. That feeling is just magical. It's like a part of my burden has been unloaded, unpacked and I can't thank enough for that. It's like despite my hard and man-like exterior, they have the ability to see that I am also a woman, with all the sensitivity, gentleness, and expectation, and all the drama that a woman could create with anger and tears. I am just that woman and they accept me along with those traits.
I have been an introvert when it comes to speak-up about what happened in my life. I do not talk about the problem so easily, unless with really close friends. I used to jump hard on the person I have issue with. I used to be a drama queen. I couldn't pick a random person and start talking the issue, but I found that useless. It just made me feel worse so I think it's time for me to start talking about what happened and how I felt about it rather than being silent and keep contemplating the issue like a broken record in my mind.
In India, I used to hang around with a group of friends. I say that they are my close friends whom certain issues could be discussed with. Since it's quite a big group containing of more than 5 people, conflicts between one member to another prone to happen. Fortunately, it never last long because the troubled members would say it to other neutral members and these neutral members would find a way (at any cost) to resolve it. In our group, the worst had happened and so did the best... but it has never been broken. I hope it last that way.
I learned from that system and I still apply it. It wasn't easy in the beginning, but then I get used to it and for now, being far away from the people I value the most whether in Indonesia or in India and stay in a secluded community, I find that writing is my only cul-de-sac.
I am writing this because in my opinion, I find my life is interesting; my love story is extraordinarily interesting and full of lessons, the place I decide to be is not a place any men would choose, my friends are wonderful, the academic life of mine in India was full of surprising incidents (I will talk about that later), and still so many other things. I want all these things to be exposed so that at least someone out there who read this blog could learn from the mistakes I did and may have a better decision making in her/his life and MAYBE learn from something good that I have done... because I know for sure, I am not 100% good, but I am not 100% bad either; except for one thing... there is a saying "bravery & stupidity come in one package", in that case, I am 100% complete hahahaha...
See you in another posting folks. Have a bright day ahead. God bless you!