We may say things we are not supposed to say. We may be accused. We may hear things we are not supposed to hear. Does it mean that we have to sit in a corner and expect someone else would lift us up and shake all the bad things happened and put us in a bowl full of goodness? Is it even possible?Well, I tried to make it happen.
I tried to shake all the bad things and struggle and prove that I am good, prove that I am not at the wrong side, prove that I have done right. I expect from those who do bad things to me to ask for forgiveness so that I could forgive them. I suffered because I tried to make a straight line. We can’t do that. We don’t have the authority towards others feelings, attitude, pride, or ego. BUT We have the authority over ourselves to let go, to forgive. The problem is “Will we let go?”, “Will we forgive?”
It’s not easy. Sometimes the hit is too hard that forgiveness seems impossible, sometimes the wound is too deep that letting go seems irrational, sometimes someone’s life is gone that forgiveness is not even an option… but that’s life. We DO NOT have the authority towards what happen in our surrounding, but we do have authority on how to take what happens. I tried to keep everything happens as what I plan to be, and when I see it was failing, I kept trying despite my unstable emotional situation. I was trying to find a needle in a tons of haystack. I was a hypocrite. I struggled and struggled until I got one nice slap from someone who cares. He said "ENOUGH".
Sometimes all we need is just someone who has the ability to see things from different angle and yet say that we made a right choice, not someone who would comfort us that things would be better or one day and all will be fine because logically we understand that one day all will be fine and better eventually. And I realized that is what I have needed all along. Someone who cares about me and say “You have fought enough and Now you have to live your present” and a mother whom after I ask, “What kind of person I am? Have I been good enough? Am I bad for such and such?” would just simply answer “I don’t know what the world thinks of you, but as a person who brings you to this world, you have given the best you could for your family, you have the patience that maybe some people at your age won’t have, and you have been the best daughter I could ever have. Some other mothers may see one child as naughty, one child as clumsy, one child as stubborn, one child as loving, one child as strong, one child as responsible… but I see all those in one daughter of mine and that is a blessing that I have been always thankful for everyday.”
I think I have forgiven myself that moment. I have forgiven myself for not always being right, I have let go my worries, I have let go my feeling of hatred toward those who hurt me because I realize that I have given the best I could to the people who trust me, to the people who have faith in me. I have taken the risk to be with someone I love even though I had to admit I failed (who always succeed in all ventures anyway?) so what am I worried about? I am content enough to know that I have taken my risk, I have given my best. What else do I have to prove? Nothing. Should I prove that I am good? Those who believe I have good soul have already known it and those who think I have black soul is none of my business anymore.
To whom should I prove then??? No one, except to God that I am committed to walk on His/Her Path. That's all.
It is funny that when I got out to the balcony yesterday morning and felt the sun on my face and some birds were chirping, I realized that “I am Back” with all the flaws and disappointments and pain and fear, yet I have emerged stronger, maybe a bit (not very much;)) wiser than before, proud to have taken care of my own dignity and not letting go my integrity nor values, and realized that I have fought for what I believed was right and swallowed all the consequences I had to endure… Like I was told, I have fought enough. Now it’s the turn for me to live my life, be thankful for all the blessings that have always been there, and fight another journey.
As a human being I always want a closure on every thing. If there is any problem between two person, then there should be a closure where eventually both stand on same ground and make their choices. If there is any issue arising, there should be stopping point. I never like things which lingers without any ending nor stopping point and I suffered a lot because I tried to make that closure. But again, I was naive. Not all has a closure. Sometimes all we need to do is having the sincerity to let go things that is no longer in our hands instead of being a control-freak and no longer fight the past because it will never end.
Some people say “Delete old memories and make new fresh ones”. I think that’s a stupid line to second. We are neither robots nor computers to DELETE memories. No human being would have the ability to delete memories (unless he/she banged his head somewhere and got amnesia), but we definitely could make new better memories with people who are happy to have us around and not with people who felt sorry to know us, with people we respect and not with people who thinks we are rubbish in their lives, with people who truly care about us not with people who say words but never act anything, with people who love us with all our flaws, with people who understand that we are just human with emotions.
I may have been a devil in someone’s life. I truly feel sorry for that.
I may have been hurt. Today I have forgiven.
I may have said things I shouldn’t. I apologize for that.
I may have been abused emotionally. I am thankful for that because it made me learn to polish my emotional stability.
I have loved with all my heart. I am thankful for the experience and I don’t feel sorry because my love wasn't a lie and it was neither based on money nor looks.
I have made mistakes. I have forgiven myself for that.
I have broken down many times. Thank you for the friends who had given their hands to help me get up.
I let go certain things in life. Not because I give up, not because I am not strong enough to hold on, not because I hate… but because I realize that if it’s meant to be mine, I know it will return.
And for the last I should say that I am grateful for the earth on whom I am standing for helping me getting up again & again, for the sky who has given me a lot inspiration and made me wonder what the other side of the world offers, for the wind who reminds me that fresh air would always be there when my chest is suffocating in pain and when my cheeks are wet for tears.
Three days ago if someone ask me if I am happy, I would say "No", but today...
Whether I am happy? Yes, absolutely.
Whether I am satisfied about my own life? No. I am content with what I have but I won't stop having the thirst of other adventures, whether it's Love, Family, Career, Social Life, Sports, etc etc. My life is like a glass which is still 25% full. Still so many other adventures await or need to be created. Someone ever told me that "World out there is harsh. It's not easy to live out there"... Well, I am "out there" now. I have got out of my safe haven and see what are out there. I didn't hide behind anyone. Just because I am living in a red-zone, it doesn't stop me from dreaming things beyond the boundaries. I will surrender to death if it has to happen, but for now I am still breathing and I won't stop dreaming.
One day I would end up on my death-bed and on that day, I have to know that I don't have regrets, I don't have "What Ifs", because that day I want to know that I have taken the path that has been laid to me with full-heart, whether it's risky or simply a cake-walk.
That's all for this evening. Happy Friday to all :). I will continue my Friday evening with these things ;)... Good night everybody!
|Pineapple Cream Biscuits, Oranges, Dried Apricots, Chocolate with Coconut Fill, and Of Course Thatha's favorite brand of Coffee :)|
|A book I have been trying to read for the last 1 month and yet not done|