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Thursday, January 9, 2014

14 Things To Consider Before You Get Married

The conversation yesterday with someone I know, let's call Mr. X.

Mr.X: What do you think needs to be considered before getting married?

Me: Are you sure you are asking this to the right person? (with a bit of cynical expression)

Mr.X: Yes, why? (frowning)

Me: I have a failed relationship. It was a huge chunk of mess and you ask me about things to be considered before getting married? (duh)

Mr.X: It failed because something was not right. You knew what you wanted. That's why I'm asking you. What were you looking for that you didn't find in your relationship which eventually make you let it go? You don't let go things so easily so I want to know what were the things you considered?

Me: Wow... I didn't see it that far. (completely taken aback)

Mr.X: You should!

To be frank, they say failing in relationship teaches you million things. It's true. If you could stand the blow, it will make you even stronger than ever. Even if your ex get married to another person, you eventually would have the capacity to stand tall because you have established a ground on what you want and understand why you let go the relationship and the person in the first place. But getting the lesson out of it takes time.

So I told him that I can't answer the question right away. I need think it over and pool all the issues that needs to be seen. So today, in my opinion, here are the things you need to pay attention before you say "I Do":

1. See how your partner handles stress
Conflict is the best test for a man's temper. See how he/she reacts to that. If your partner seems not to care much, then maybe it's time to reassess the terms of the relationship. If your partner jumps up and down, there are two possibilities: he/she doesn't have the capacity to handle conflict or he/she is too hurt to actually think. It happens. When we are hurt too much, we have the tendency to stop thinking and start demanding. You don't want a person who always freaks out each time something happens, so see if there is a possibility for a person to grow up in the relationship to deal with the problems that are bound to happen.

2. Share your future plans
Everyone has dreams. The problem is whether your dreams and his/her dreams match each other or not. If he/she dreams is to travel to all the nooks and cranny of the world, while you have a dream to settle down in one place and stay there for the rest of your life, then bet me, both of you would lead a frustrating life together. Synchronize your dreams. See if both dreams could walk in parallel.

3. Acceptability
No one is 100% good or 100% bad. At one point of time, we would be otherwise. Now, ask yourself if you can accept whatever comes along from your partner. Could you tolerate his/her tantrums? How far could you tolerate? For how long? If your answer is Yes, I could tolerate anything for the rest of my life, then PROCEED.

4. Past relationship
Try to get an idea on how his past relationship is. It will tell you more than anything you need to know. You could know about your partner's loyalty, harshness, violence level, and many others. If he/she cheated in the past relationship, there is a chance that he/she would do the same again to you.

How fast does he/she jump from one relationship to another? If he/she is a jumper, then you might be just someone to escape the void instead of someone whom he/she truly loves. If he/she gives some time before entering new relationship, then you could say that you have found a calm-headed person.

5. Share views on Money, Politics, and Religion
This is important. You need to know the orientation of someone towards money, politics, and religion. Money is important aspect in life, without that, it's impossible to live on this planet earth, but until which extent you both would chase it. Some people chase it too hard that he/she forget his/her own passion.

Politics. You could get to know what kind of player he/she is. If he/she likes dirty politics, then he/she might apply that on you too. Politics does not exist only in government regime, but also in every single aspect in our daily lives

Other than that, religion. Sharing the same view is not the important thing, but respecting each other views is the most crucial part. If you both could respect each other's views and give space to each other regarding it, then there is no problem at all.

6. Clear about his/her financial condition and criminal records
What I meant about Financial Condition here is not about how rich or poor a person is because not all beggars would remain beggars and not all billionaire would remain billionaires for the rest of their lives. What I'm trying to put across here is what kind of habit he/she has related to financial issues. If you end up with a gambler, trust me, it's an addiction that is going to be difficult to be tolerated. Try to see if your partner has mounting debt that has gone beyond his/her head. And don't forget to know if he/she has any past criminal record. Marrying an ex-con is not the problem here, but not knowing that he/she is an ex-con is the problem. Every person has a right for a second chance, but hiding the truth is not going to help the relationship in the long run.

7. Share views on the new role as "husband" and "wife"
You fall in love, everything seems beautiful, you see your man as prince charming, your see your woman as the queen of mermaid. GREAT. Then you be married. The honey bunny becomes husband and the darling angel becomes a wife. After 1 or 2 years, the husband becomes a father and the wife becomes a mother. Physical changes occur, roles also change. Do you believe that your partner could play along with these changes in roles? Some people are good to be girlfriends, but not good mother. Some men are too good in bed, but he will never support you in daily activities. Open your eyes on this issues too.

8. Trustworthiness
This is the God of relationship. The moment you realize that you can't actually rely on your partner, then gradually the strong feelings will diminish. Trust is not something that you could regain easily. Love grows a lot easier than trust, so be careful. We have to fight for it. You have to see if he/she walks his/her talk. You have to have the hawk eyes to see if there are any discrepancies between what he/she said and what he/she did. Do his/her eyes tell any lie? If you can't trust your partner in some issues, how could you trust the rest of your life in his/her hands? Think it over.

9. Habits & Mannerism
Knowing each other's annoying habits is not easy. It takes years, so take some time to know how your partner actually behave in daily life. Does he/she take bath daily? How does he/she eat? Does he/she munch like a fire crackers? How does he/she normally dress? Does he/she wash his/her hands before touching the food? Does he/she dig the nose all the time? If you are a clean buddy and your partner is a dirty buddy, you are going to have one hell of a roller coaster one day. Trust me, there are habits that are difficult to change. Are you ready to take the stake? Discuss this. If you are ready, then go on. If not, reconsider.

10. Health (Both physical and sexual)
He is handsome. She is beautiful. Sex is excellent (if you do it before marriage). You can't stop thinking of each other all day long. FINE. Now, let's get to business. Does he/she has some sexual concern? Any past sexual disease that might be transferred to you? Is he/she physically healthy to make babies? Do you have any anomalies genetically? Are you sure that if you have babies, the babies would be born normally? Any blood system anomalies? How is the blood group match?

It is a wide accepted advice to have a sexual and physical check up before two people enter matrimony, but not many people do that. Please do that because life is not always a Barbie Fairy Tale.

11. Family acceptance
This is crucial. If you can't respect his/her family, then life is going to be difficult. You can't simply separate an umbilical relationship just by marriage. If you can't tolerate the behavior or his/her parents or siblings or other family members in this matter, please see how far you could keep up with that. Is there any way to work it out? How is their reaction to you? Pay attention to this.

12. Language tone
Some people are born as harsh-tongued, while others are well-groomed. Not all harsh-tongued are bad people. They are simply designed that way. So now the question is not about being a good or bad people, the question is that how far could you tolerate your partner language tone? Do you think you could suck it up for the rest of your life? If you can't, then maybe it is time to set some boundaries.

13. Ability to give space to each other
You love each other and you want to be with each other ALL THE TIME, right? WRONG.

Both of you need space. You need your own personal moment. You need to hangout with your group of friends without interference of your partner once in a while. Does your partner have the same opinion as this? If you partner starts being jealous each time you have your private moment with your friends or if you go out doing something you like all by yourself, then be careful. You are dealing with a possessive here.

Of course, you have to know your limits too in your external relationship. You can't simply flirt around wearing a bikini and expect your partner to keep a cool head. Be rational.

14. Chemistry
How does your hormones work when you are around that special person? This has to be the first in my list actually, but seeing many people out there who are married just because their parents and families want them to, I think it's fair for me to put it at the end of the determining list. Many people compromise with this issue, but for me personally, chemistry is VERY crucial. You are supposed to be physically attracted and comfortable with the person you are dating. If you feel insecure or uneasy each time your partner is around, then how could you tolerate that person to be in your life all year around?

You are going to take your partner to bed eventually, so you must be attracted to each other sexually, otherwise your bed-activity is going to be a nightmare or just a dummy and dull routine. It's not going to be passionate and it's not going to end with a huge boyish or girlish grin on your face at the end of the play. If you can't deal with a dummy routine, then please re-think.

Some of the issues I have touched above may sound silly, but there are many marriages these days which end simply because of silly issues. There is one marriage which ends just because the wife doesn't like the way her husband eats the peas. See? I'm not joking. It's stupid, but each individual's tolerant level is different. See how far you could compromise.

And beyond all, life is too short to simply get married to a wrong person or to a person who is simply available. The rest of your life is going to be merged with a different person from completely different background, so sleep on it, think it over, consider all aspect logically and intuitively before you take a decision. Follow your heart. If all these matches and you finally say "I Do", then I shall say that you are one lucky person :). And always remember, Marriage is an option, not an obligation. Don't force yourself into it if you don't feel like it yet. I hope you find this article useful. God be with you!

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